Dances With Wolves. Kevin Costner. 1990. ⚂

Yes, yes, I know, but I got this as part of a box set of westerns that turned out to be surprisingly good: Nary a stinker betwixt em. So despite Costner and his very badly applied fake beard, I’m watching this thing, which I assume is probably going to turn out to be the worst movie in history? Let’s find out.

[fifteen minutes pass]

I’m not sure whether this is a really horrible movie or whether it’s kinda funny? I’m leaning towards the former, but at least Costner got rid of the badly applied fake beard now (or is it real, just really… bad)?

But:

Takes like this makes me want to like it more.

[an hour and a half pass]

And I do! I’m totally flabbergasted: This is a very watchable movies. Sure, everybody’s way too clean and have too fabulous blow-dried hairdos, but it’s quite sweet. It does have a built-in gravitas that’s rather grating: We all know how this story ends, and it doesn’t end with these Sioux riding happily off into the sunset.

[the end]

I’m a bit conflicted. This is such a pedestrian movie in so many ways: The vistas should be breathtaking, but instead they’re… there? Did this movie even have a cinematographer or did they just get a camera operator on the cheap? Well, OK, perhaps it’s a… choice…

Nine hours of looking at Costner’s ever-less-follicled face is a lot. But it’s… it’s fine, I guess?

It’s fine.

Bridesmaids. Paul Feig. 2011. ⚁

This is supposed to be the bleakest, most misanthropic movie ever.

:

“Bridesmaids is Michael Haneke’s Bachelor Party” – Noah Berlatsky

I’m excited!

[half an hour passes]

This is really bleak!

Look! She put fondant petals on top of the cupcake! Those may be classified as “edible” according to veterinarian standards, but nobody would want that shit anywhere near their mouths, so putting that on a cupcake is just… bizarre.

[the end]

This was a gruelling, horrible slog. But… I think they were aiming for funny and light-hearted, somehow? Despite everybody in this movie being horrible human beings? Including the main character?

It’s just mind-bogglingly depressing.

Raising Arizona. Joel Coen. 1987. ⚄

Aaah. The 80s. Remember the 80s? No? Well, let me tell you a story: It was the decade where you could see the poster for a movie, and it had the words “Nicholas Cage” on it, and you didn’t run for your life.

It was a happy age.

[twenty-five minutes pass]

This is such a fun movie. It’s a bit hyper, sure, but it’s got the right tone.

[the end]

I loved the first ten minutes, and then I really liked the next half hour, and then… uhm… there were scenes that I loved? I mean, it’s a really sweet movie, but it’s got stretches where it’s just treading water.

I feel like this could have been The Best Movie Ever if it had been a bit… tighter. It’s got so many good gags, and not a surfeit of plot, so it should be just perfect, and it isn’t.