Fear Street Part Three

OK, the first two movies were very Netflix. I.e., they kinda sucked? But… if you’ve said A you have to say BCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ.

Right?!

Right.

So this movie is the least 1666-looking horror movie set in 1666 ever.

I guess they kinda colour-graded it into beige and now it’s 1666? And they’re talking in a kinda really fake Dublin dialect?

This is, incredibly enough, even more boring than the first two movies.

It’s like they didn’t even care any more… I mean, why care in the doing the final movie in a trilogy? It’s not like it’s going to affect the viewership? So the economical, sensible thing is just to spend no money or effort.

So this is supremely sensible.

Now I’m regretting ⚁-ing the first two movies, because this is so bad that it’s like a minus nine on that scale, and there’s just no Unicode for that.

So… they asked the hairdresser to do a really seventeenth century weirdo hobo hairdo… and they made this? This precisely cut? This took some skill to do — look at the tips of the hair (probably a wig?) tracking his jawline.

This movie is so boring that I’m bitching about the hairdressers.

That’s a level of boredom seldom achieved.

This may be the most boring horror movie I’ve ever seen? And you know how boring some of those movies can be?

OK, when it gets back to the present(ish) it gets radically less boring. The first hour of this was excruciating! The worst I’ve ever seen! Ever! But now that they’ve done that bit, it’s not so bad?

This bit is kinda fun? And looks a lot better than the rest of the series.

So the last half of this movie wasn’t … horrible? I mean… it wasn’t good, but it wasn’t that awful? I mean, not as awful as the first half, but nothing is, is it?

But ending the movie on an Oasis song is cruel and unusual punishment… Oh! But now there’s Pixies! Gigantic! Gigantic! Gigantic!

Well, that’s sweet.

And then more Pixies? While the titles roll? Mr Grieves? That’s fun. It’s kinda perfect.

OK, whoever did the music in this trilogy was pretty smart.

Fear Street Part Three. Leigh Janiak. 2021. ⚁

Fear Street Part Two

OK, I didn’t like the first part of this much, but… Now I’m watching the next movie?

Funny how that happens.

What?! Now they’re playing the Nirvana version of Man Who Sold The World? That’s so… wrong…

I mean, the song is from 1972, I think?

…

Oh! This is a continuation of the first movie? Er… but isn’t this supposed to take place in 1978? But those interiors look so 70s?

Hm.

OK, I should be paying more attention.

Oh! Now it’s a flashback thing!

I thought they were gonna do all clever structural things or something…

Well OK.

You can tell that it’s the 70s now by the shorts.

Oh, cool! Now they’re doing Moonage Daydream! But the original Bowie version!

Man, they’ve really thought the soundtrack thing out. I’m not so embarrassed that I didn’t get the significance of the cover version of the other Bowie song used first.

Exactly!

This is… it’s a horror movie for the recap generation? Most of the movie is people recapping some old horror plot?

It’s totally unscary, and it’s so. so. boring.

I thought they were gonna do a pastiche of a 70s horror movie or something, but it’s just… a lot of plot. That’s not interesting at all.

There’s certainly an … aesthetic here.

I think it’s called “put the camera really close to the nose and have the female actors scream”.

Oh! That’s the red moss! I thought it was poop! Since they’re under the toilet!

That’s less gross.

Such colour grading!

This movie is kinda weirdly bad? That is, the elements in this movie aren’t that bad, but put together, it’s kinda boring?

It’s really like a couple of episodes from a TV series welded together. It’s way too long — I can see that this could have been a kinda fun, not-particularly-good horror movie if it has been half an hour shorter? As it is, it’s just… really dull?

But there’s a couple of scenes that work.

Fear Street Part 2. Leigh Janiak. 2021. ⚁

Fear Street Part One

Wow, very period-appropriate music.

I thought this started off pretty well? And then I sort forgot to watch for a couple minutes and now it’s really boring?

So it might just be me. It might be more exciting if I were actually paying attention.

High-schoolers these days.

OK, this kinda works? The scary scenes are pretty scary, and the rest of the scenes are… there?

This is the darkest police station ever. I mean, even on a horror movie scale.

I do like the Scooby Gang and how they try to be logical about it all. It’s quite Buffy… Oh, I get it: It’s a 90s horror movie, and that’s what they were about back then.

But there’s so many boring scenes! So many!

Fear Street Part One. Leigh Janiak. 2021. ⚁