Resident Evil: Apocalypse

Resident Evil: Apocalypse. Alexander Witt. 2004.

So futuristic!

This is kinda odd? Is this supposed to be a… light-hearted take on the Resident Evil thing? It seems like they’re going for a comedy thing?

What the fuck is this even? I mean, it’s not so much “what’s going on?” but more “why should we care?”

The choices made here make no sense at any level: Every scene is just really boring? And awkwardly filmed? It’s like a Z movie with a higher budget? WHAT HAPPENED

Oh right.

Every scene so far has been oddly paced and without any tension.

Oh, and the reduced frame rate action stuff? That looked really janky even in 2004.

This movie looks more expensive than the previous one. And not just 30% more expensive (which it was), but a lot more.

Yeah, they’re stepping up the humour thing, and it’s really… insulting.

Resident Evil

Resident Evil. Paul W.S. Anderson. 2002.

This is so stupid! I love it!

Every scene is like is was designed by an eleven-year-old. Everything is like “whoa!” all the time. ALL THE TIME! (If you’re that age, or if you’re like me, a very old very drunk man.)

This really has no reason to be this exciting! I mean, this may be the stupidest movie ever, but I’m totally in.

What was the budget for this thing? Ten bucks?

That’s more than I guessed!

It’s just so cheesy. Fantastic. It’s not like all the sets are made of MDF and duck tape… it’s more like plexiglass and plastics.

And the generic “Now That’s What I Call Industrial Metal” sound track!

Yes! Kill all the dogs!

OK, now the movie is starting to drag? The computer had to deliver like fourteen hours worth of exposition, and it was all stuff we’d already figured out, so that’s boring.

The problem with this sort of narrative (see Life for a more recent example) is that the thing they’re fighting (really) is a contagion that’s so virulent that the only logical thing for any protagonist to do is go “OK, we’re probably all infected, so the thing to do is 1) nuke this facility/send it into the Sun, and 2) kill ourselves, in whatever sequence makes the most sense”, but instead they have Milla and her gang escaping the compound. OK, Milla is really confused (she had her memory wiped), so that’s an excuse, but the soldiers? Nope.

Well, perhaps it’s a commentary on how badly trained soldiers are these days.

Wonder Woman 1984

Wonder Woman 1984. Patty Jenkins. 2020.

Wow. The CGI on this is horrible!

It looks like Sanctuary! And they pioneered the no-budget greenscreen look a decade and a half ago. How is this possible!

I’m a glass truther: When you have a character wearing glasses, it’s pretty obvious when the glasses have no curve to them whatsoever — because they’ll just reflect light in that flat way. So when somebody is wearing fake glasses like this, it just looks totes fake. It’d be better if there wasn’t glass in the frames at all — then it’d just be a fashion accessory.

Anyway, I’m quite enjoying this movie — people are saying it’s the worst atrocity ever in the history of movies (I think Twitter is saying), but it’s kinda fun? It’s cozy? It’s not good but it’s fine?

They switched her glasses out for realer ones!

Well that rant was totally wasted.

I hoped I was going to go all contrarian and THIS IS THE BEST MOVIE EVER but I don’t even get what this movie is about on a basic level. What are these people even about? This is just a weirdly put-together movie.

It’s not like… “hey! this super-hero movie isn’t that good”. It’s like… “how come nobody stopped this from getting to our screens?”

It’s just horrendously awful. I mean, even on a DC super-hero scale. And that surprises me, because I liked the previous Wonder Woman movie.

Or even “awful” makes it sound like I’m going “yeah, I can see what this is trying to be and it’s not doing that”, but I don’t even comprehend what it’s trying to be.

It’s like a movie out of a different dimension. A dimension where they filmed all the scenes they vaguely talked about being in the film.

The flying scene was awesome, though. And like all the other scenes in this movie, it’s… “what?” “why?” “why now?”

Even on a basic plot summary level, I can’t say why Barbara was the baddie. How did that even happen?

This movie is really a , but I bumped it because I like the flying scene.

But it’s remarkably bad, even on a super-hero movie scale.