Err… is that noted Shakespearean actor Jack Lemmon?

It is!

Uh-oh.

Is that… snow?

This is not an auspicious start. Everything looks fake in a “bad movie” way, not in a theatre way.

Heh. I, Claudius is playing Claudius?

These scenes look so weird — they never move the camera when filming from this side, so I’m assuming it’s a composite shot of some kind? Looks really fake. But then they show the hall from another angle, and it’s indeed pretty big…

Mais oui.

It’s… it’s whatsisface!

er… Charlton Heston!

Perchance to rub.

I watched the Olivier Hamlet the other year, and he totally played Hamlet as if he really might be insane… which makes the plot make a whole lot more sense. Branagh never leaves us in doubt that he’s playing mad…

Which leaves the viewer (i.e., me) open to go “but… why… why doesn’t he…” etc etc, because surely his plan for revenge isn’t the optimal one, now is it?

But this version’s got one thing going for it: It’s got all the witty repartee (and Rosenkrantz and Guildenstern) that Olivier cut out of his version to get it down to two and a half hours.

Some of the scenes look so cheap! That’s the worst greenscreen ever!

And it’s got a substantial budget and all… and it totally bombed?

OK, it’s a bit wobbly, but there’s an impressive amount of dolly shots here — in a huge room with mirrors all over the place. It’s like they wanted to maximise the difficulty settings on the cinematography.

The performances are so … uneven. Jacobi and Christie give measured, subtle performances, while several of the others (including Branagh himself) are shouting out every line to the rafters.

Billy Crystal?

I guess.

Mork! Where’s Mindy!

Anyway, this Hamlet has stuff I can’t recall having seen before — I guess all the versions I’ve seen (and read) have been abridged? But these bits I can’t remember are fun! I mean, that shouldn’t come as a surprise, and I understand why they’re normally cut, but … that makes me enjoy this even more.

Because it is really enjoyable. Branagh makes a whole bunch of… odd choices… and the stunt casting of famous American actors is pretty distracting… but… Shakespeare shines through. That’s enough.

Hamlet. Kenneth Branagh. 1996. ⚄

So I don’t know much about this movie, but I’m guessing its another one of Tarantino’s “this is how history should have happened” movies (see Inglorious Basterds and Once Upon A Time… In Hollywood)?

So I’m hoping this is just three hours of Jamie Foxx killing Southern white guys and then ending slavery, either singled handed or abetted by Leonardo DiCaprio.

Let’s find out!

Fuck yeah!

This is already the best movie ever.

Christoph Waltz is a hoot.

Buuuut… this isn’t the best movie ever any more. It’s getting bogged down? But I do like that DiCaprio is all evil and stuff.

I’m getting kinda bored? I think it’s DiCaprio’s fault?

Basically, this movie ground to a complete halt when they arrived at DiCaprio’s den. It was zipping along, being funny as shit, exciting as fuck, and then: Bam! Crash! And now nothing worth watching has happened in… an hour? A couple hours? It feels like a long time; I’ve started checking email.

Oh, that’s the meme thing?

Samuel L. Jackson’s character is fun, of course, but the movie is still tedious beyond belief.

I hope there’s a lot of killing happening soon. C’mon Tarantino!

Yay

Quentin? I guess?

The final scene was great. But…

OK: The first hour or so was super entertaining. Then we get to the DiCaprio heist bit, and that is literally in-credibly boring. It’s… it’s…

And then there’s five minutes of fun at the end. So I don’t really know how to throw the die on this one. I mean… the seventy two hours the heist bit lasted definitely isn’t worth seeing, but the start is so much fun?

Uhm…. Let’s go with this:

Django Unchained. Quentin Tarantino. 2012. ⚂

I loathe this movie from the first scene! That music box! Those “remembrance” effects! Could this be the worst movie ever?

Oh! I thought Casey Affleck was playing developmentally challenged or something, but he’s playing a 19-year-old. (He was 32 at the time.)

Anyway, the reason I have this is because I bought a box set almost a decade ago, and it’s taken me this long to watch them all.

The Westerns Dynamite DVD Collection. It’s kinda interesting:

The Desperate Trail (1939)
The Three Godfathers (1948)
Treasure of Sierra Madre (1948)
The Searchers (1956)
Rio Bravo (1959)
The Wild Bunch (1969)
How the West was Won (1962)
Chisum (1970)
McCabe and Mrs Miller (1971)
Jeremiah Johnson (1972)
Cahill US Marshall (1973)
Pat Garret and Billy the Kid (1973)
The Outlaw Josey Wales (1976)
Tom Horn (1980)
Pale Rider (1985)
Dances with Wolves (1990)
Unforgiven (1992)
Wyatt Earp (1994)
Last Stand at Saber River (1997)
The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford (2007)

That’s a solid collection of movies, with a variety of approaches… from 1939 to 2007, with an emphasis on the 70s. I think… most of these movies are pretty spiffy? It’s only when we reach the 90s that things get a bit dicey. I think the only actually good movie here after 1985 is Unforgiven?

Which might also be a reflection of how few westerns are made these days.

So much bathing!

I’m bailing on this after 45 minutes, because it’s 1) absurd and 2) boring and 3) not stylish enough and 4) did I mention ugly and boring?

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford. Andrew Dominik. 2007. ⚀