Oh, deer? This is on of those epic epic westerns? It’s over three hours long, and…

… it’s got a gazillion actors.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this. It’s by Lawrence Kasdan, which is a very familiar name, but I’m not quite sure … from where?

Hm! I’ve seen a lot of these. I mean… more than half? Two thirds? But I’m not sure I’m… a fan? I think a lot of these are in the dreaded Oscar Territory?

Well, we’ll see…

This just looks so … fake. I mean, everybody’s got 1994 blow-dried hair…

… and I don’t know what it is about Kostner… I’ve never understood the charm. I mean, he seems like a nice guy, but…

This is super hokey. I may not survive this movie. Everything here is annoying me — the sugary soundtrack, the relentless pathos, the cutesy scenes…

This movie tries so hard! Every scene is The Most Emotional Scene ever. And it’s … I mean, what’s going on here is very emotional, and should touch anybody, but they lean so hard into the sentimentality that the mind reels. And so my eyes remain resolutely dry.

I’m bailing on this after 80 minutes, because it’s tedious as fuck.

Wyatt Earp. Lawrence Kasdan. 1994. ⚁

What!? Is this gonna be one of those western epic epics?

Huh… no, under two hours.

The titles are over after eight minutes… they’re really going for that epic epic feeling, at least, even if the movie’s not that long.

Pollack? He’s done a whole bunch of very mainstream comedy/drama things, right?

Ah, right. Oscar bait stuff.

I like this movie. And I like Redford’s beard. It’s very 1972.

*gasp*

He shaved!

I think I understand now why they did the overture and the very, very slow start — it’s to say to people “calm the fuck down”. Because this isn’t your normal western movie. It’s … kinda tranquil? Lots of amusing bits, though, and some action here and there.

I think this was just about perfect until the “third act”. (I hate the three act structure Hollywood pictures use soooo muuuuuch.) But even that didn’t make the movie suck…

It’s a pretty unique movie, so:

Jeremiah Johnson. Sydney Pollack. 1972. ⚄

Yes! I’m watching a Carry On movie.

Because I’ve never seen any of these, and they’re kinda legendary in British film. I mean, as a touchstone of the worst you can make.

So I googled “what’s the best (or least worst) carry on movie”, and people generally seem to agree that this is the one to watch.

How horrible can it be!?!

This is hilarious! Could this be the best British movie ever?

This is so silly! There’s nary a single line without a couple of double entendres. It’s like watching… a slightly more pervy version of Mad magazine.

And these actors!

The actual jokes, though, are kinda lame? Surely they could come up with something with more zing than this? But the editing is so on point. Zip zip zip from scene to scene; not a second to consider anything.

I guess you’d call this “bawdy humour”? I can sympathise with every British person thinking that the existence of these movies is beyond embarrassing, but… it’s so cute!

And I want that red/white/black blanket.

I do wish people would shout less.

Aaahh.

It’s so silly.

But this is really the most dismal camping site ever. Did it rain the entire time they were shooting this movie? Was this filmed in like February? They all look so cold! Give them more clothes to wear!

It’s a rave!

I’m really, really drunk, but I thought that was funny. I had expected, like, a German semi-porn thing with awkward pauses and stuff, but it zipped along, knocking down all the entendres in every line, and wasn’t much embarassing at all. But I’m not British; I could well see that Brits would want to dissociate themselves from the entire phenomenon.

On the other hand, I don’t think I’m gonna watch the entire series, either.

Carry On Camping. Gerald Thomas. 1969. ⚃