Ambulance

Finally a quality TV! I mean, this is Michael Bay? It has to be great? Right? Right?

But… we’re five minutes in, and there still hasn’t been any explosions? There’s just been *eww* “character development”.

Is this even Michael Bay? And why has he named his film after the classic Larry Cohen movie starring Julia Roberts’ brother?

Hey! It’s Maggie Gyllenhaal’s brother!

Man, this is tedious. WHERE EXPLOSION

We’re 20 minutes in, but I think something is finally gonna happen… Bay has meticulously introduced a whole bunch of characters (they’re an exquisite collection of all the clichés you need for an action movie), and perhaps soon…?

Gotta have a gigantic dog.

Finally. Half an hour in, we get some action scenes.

Michael Bay has mellowed out.

It’s frustrating. There’s occasional scenes that are a lot of fun and I’m thinking YES FINALLY IT”S GOT A MOJO GOING, and then it’s followed by three scenes without any nerve whatsoever.

I’m still hopeful that Bay will manage to get something going…

See? It’s a helicopter chasing an ambulance. This should be fun! But instead it’s just kinda meh.

But it does look quite cool. Bay relies a lot on shakycam, but it’s less annoying that it could be.

It’s like there’s a fun 90 minute action movie hiding in here: Drop 45 minutes of character development and scenes that don’t quite work, and you’re there.

Well, OK. Fine.

They’re really going for zany, but arrive at cringe instead. And I like stupid movies; I don’t mind that the plot is really silly — I think that’s a plus. But like this scene, where they break into a schmaltzy song because Maggie’s brother needs to calm down — that could have been really funny — but they didn’t really commit, and that made it *rolls eyes* instead.

Large parts of this movie are so tedious that ⚀ would be a reasonable score. But there were a few scenes that had nerve, and a couple of fun characters, and a three hankie ending, so:

Ambulance. Michael Bay. 2022. ⚁

Babes in Toyland

Oh… this is one of them there movies — based on a musical stage show and then loosely transposed to the screen? These movies usually aren’t all that, but this is certainly well-known enough. I mean, it’s named after that grunge band!?

Uh-oh.

I’m guessing these are the Laurel and Hardy characters?

Actually… this isn’t all that bad? It’s kinda amusing? And the sets are so over-the-top…

Wow, that’s some hairdo. I guess that’s… Tommy Sands?

And that’s Annette Funicello.

OK, this song is kinda not very good.

Changed my mind again — this isn’t very successful. But I can totally see what somebody like Laurel and Hardy could do with this material. These schticks could be hilarious, but here they just aren’t.

OK, Disney made this movie for, like, six-year-olds, so I’m totally in the target audience. But I’m really childish! So I think this is just… not firing on all cylinders.

OK, this guy is good. Uhm… Ray Bolger.

OK, I’m bailing.

It’s certainly well-made, but it’s like… sensory videos for babies? I.e., it’s probably nice for three-year-olds.

Babes in Toyland. Jack Donohue. 1960. ⚁

Drive My Car

It’s a car!

Oops; this is three hours long. Movies sure are long these days…

So culture.

Gosh! I wonder what he’ll find when he returns home unexpectedly…

I like the pacing the movie has… but so far it’s been kinda… normal? But this is based on a Murakami short story, after all, so soon something semi-mystical should happen.

Could this be the semi-mystical event?

I like the interiors here. Well, throughout the film — they’re very thoughtful.

Whaaa… and now we get the opening titles? 40 minutes in? So I guess that was the prologue.

Well, that’s a really good explanation for him having a driver!

Nice jacket.

The multi-lingual theatre performance schtick is pretty weird. That is, all the actors are speaking different languages. But as we’re watching the film subtitled anyway, it makes absolutely no difference to us.

I think the most accurate genre designation for this movie is “Oscar bait”. It’s a serious, very serious, film about grief and stuff, but more importantly, it stars a (theatre) director and we witness a bunch of actors rehearsing (etc) for a play.

I think that the dictionary definition of “Oscar bait”.

It’s not that I dislike watching people rehearse for a play — I love Noli me tangere — but those scenes here doesn’t really feel real. They seem really contrived.