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Jupiter Ascending

I dunno… is that really the optimal posture for using a toilet brush in a toilet?

Anyway, I think I’ve seen all the other movies by the Wachowskis, but not this one. It’s starting off pretty well (except for the unrealistic toilet cleaning posture).

Hey, this is really good! It’s interesting and really tense and I think I know where this is going, but it’s very entertaining…

This movie looks great — that fight sequence was awesome.

Some home decor…

Those candles must have taken half the budget.

ANyway… I think this was a box office bomb? (I haven’t looked it up now.) I couldn’t understand why, because this movie kicks ass. But now I’m kinda getting… like… “uhm?” I mean, there’s several twists and several infodumps, but the main character here is just going “well, do you have some less dressy clothes I could wear?” instead of the gazillion questions you’d have… I think perhaps they were going against the “OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING” cliché you have to suffer through in most of these films (as it’s revealed that nothing is what you thought it was), but they kinda went overboard into catatonic instead.

That is, I think we’ve been through like nine doublecrosses and reveals and it’s not confusing or anything, but if I was that woman, I’d sit down with that guy for half an hour and just have him explain everything.

That might not make for a thrilling movie, though.

Instead this is what she chooses to say:

Which is so over the top not what nerdly expectations clamour for that I’m picturing the Wachowskis going HA HA HA THAT”LL LEARN EM

And suddenly we’re into a Brazilesque parody of bureaucracy. Has this movie been a comedy all along and I just didn’t realise it?

… wat

I think I speak for everybody when I say:


And… it’s just… frustrating how the Mila Kunis character does one stupid thing after another, and this guy with the ears has to swoop in, time and time again, to save her. The repetition is annoying.

At some point it gets more “OK, if she’s that stupid and gormless, perhaps she shouldn’t be the Princess and Owner of Earth”.

I loved the first hour of this movie. Then it got progressively more “wat” with every scene, and… I dunno. It feels like the screenwriters just gave up at some point, which is frustrating, because it’s such a great concept and world to set a film in. And it looks great, and has fun performances, and…

So people hated this movie, and I wonder whether that was a brigading effect — I can totally see why Nazis would hate this movie. But no:

If it was brigaded, you’d have a huge number of people at 1, but since most people gave it 5/6, this means that people actually disliked it. And the critics hated it even more:

And it lost a lot of money.

I understand all that, because it’s a lot, and it’s a lot of “wat”. But I liked it anyway. I can totally see this being a cult favourite in 20 years time, because it’s so over the top.

Jupiter Ascending. The Wachowskis. 2015.

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