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The Green Knight

Well, this is very modern… by that I mean that everything’s colour-graded to match all the greenscreen they’re flying in, and that also means that most of the scenes are pretty dark, since that makes matching elements up easier.

I.e., make even the real sets and costumes look bad enough that they don’t look out of place with the bad CGI.

This seems to make references to stuff I don’t really know? I mean, it might all be in-film fiction, but Gawain sounds familiar… Er… I mean, I’ve read Prince Valiant. Knights of the Round Table and stuff? I dunno. Is it something they make poor American children learn in school?

I’m already incredibly bored.


The Green Knight honors and deconstructs its source material in equal measure, producing an absorbing adventure that casts a fantastical spell.

That sounds awful! Why did I buy this?

These fifteen minutes have probably been the most boring I’ve ever endured watching a movie ever. I’ve literally died of boredom. It’s like somebody has taken Game of Thrones and boridified it.

Even more!

OK, so Gawain is a dick, and also a total moron? I guess that’s something.

No! It took forever!

Nice CGI.

Nice colour grading.

Everything seems to take forever.

Oh god. It’s 129 minutes long. I’m not sure I can take being this bored that long.

Oh yeah, the doofus needs a CGI animal companion.

They haven’t quite figured out whether to model its movements on a dog or a ferret?

O my ghod. There’s still 45 minutes left!?

Man, that’s a bad CGI fox.

It’s even worse when it talks!


I’m guessing that the director wants to make fun of the entire idea of “heroic quests”, or perhaps express “I hate doing homework” or something. But surely you can do that and still make something less tedious than this.

The very end was kinda clever, but that doesn’t excuse the previous 126 minutes, so:

The Green Knight. David Lowery. 2021.

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