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The Old Guard

The Old Guard. Gina Prince-Bythewood. 2020. ⚀

I wasn’t going to watch this — I mean, it’s Netflix: It’s gonna suck, right?

But I read a review by somebody I respect that said it’s good, and… here I am.

Ready to be disappointed, even if my expectations can’t be lower.

[twenty minutes pass]

I guess it’s possible to be more bored than this? It seems possible? It’s possible.

But unlikely.

[twenty minutes pass]

Did I mention… Worst CGI Ever? When that plane took off it burned off my retinas by just being too awful and I’m now literally blind.

Oh, now I know why I’m watching this piece of crap. It’s all jwz’s fault.


[an infinite amount of time passes]

There’s nothing here… nothing. The cinematography sucks, the performances are moronic, the soundtrack is embarrassing, the plot is nothing, the… the colour grading is the worst I’ve seen in quite a while.

Could this possibly be the worst movie ever made? And I say that as somebody who watched all “Netflix Originals” from 2019, so I know how bad movies can get.

And this is worse.

[thank god, it’s the end]

I feel I was too positive in my appraisal of this movie up there.

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