Ooohs! There’s a logo I haven’t seen in a few decades…

I’ve seen this before, of course, but not since … oh! 1990? I thought this happened in the 80s…

I love that decor!

I remember nothing of the plot, but watching this, I’m automatically assuming that everything that’s happening is part of the Rekall trip, and I’m guessing I’m not supposed to assume that? I watched eXistenZ (again) a couple years back, and that was really subtle about what’s part of the game and what’s not… it’s like… a refinement of what’s happening here? Was this the first of these movies where we’re not supposed to know what’s … the trip inside the film?

Of course, I could be wrong, and this is all real!

If this is all in his head, I think they’re kinda cheating by showing us scenes that he couldn’t possibly be seeing? With people he’s not supposed to know anything about?

Stereo vision!

Sorry! Sorry! This isn’t that kind of movie. This is super fun — it’s a total Verhoeven gauche, silly lark. Every scene is weird and awkward and flabbergastingly entertaining.

Oh! I remember this scene!

It’s still teh awesum

Oh! I thought the red pill to return to reality was a Matrix thing — but here it is in Total Recall.

“Open your mind.”

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TPFAYIr8z2I]

I knew that sounded familiar.

Anyway, this is brash and stupid and totally without “class”, and I love that.

Total Recall. Paul Verhoeven. 1990. ⚄

Err… is that noted Shakespearean actor Jack Lemmon?

It is!

Uh-oh.

Is that… snow?

This is not an auspicious start. Everything looks fake in a “bad movie” way, not in a theatre way.

Heh. I, Claudius is playing Claudius?

These scenes look so weird — they never move the camera when filming from this side, so I’m assuming it’s a composite shot of some kind? Looks really fake. But then they show the hall from another angle, and it’s indeed pretty big…

Mais oui.

It’s… it’s whatsisface!

er… Charlton Heston!

Perchance to rub.

I watched the Olivier Hamlet the other year, and he totally played Hamlet as if he really might be insane… which makes the plot make a whole lot more sense. Branagh never leaves us in doubt that he’s playing mad…

Which leaves the viewer (i.e., me) open to go “but… why… why doesn’t he…” etc etc, because surely his plan for revenge isn’t the optimal one, now is it?

But this version’s got one thing going for it: It’s got all the witty repartee (and Rosenkrantz and Guildenstern) that Olivier cut out of his version to get it down to two and a half hours.

Some of the scenes look so cheap! That’s the worst greenscreen ever!

And it’s got a substantial budget and all… and it totally bombed?

OK, it’s a bit wobbly, but there’s an impressive amount of dolly shots here — in a huge room with mirrors all over the place. It’s like they wanted to maximise the difficulty settings on the cinematography.

The performances are so … uneven. Jacobi and Christie give measured, subtle performances, while several of the others (including Branagh himself) are shouting out every line to the rafters.

Billy Crystal?

I guess.

Mork! Where’s Mindy!

Anyway, this Hamlet has stuff I can’t recall having seen before — I guess all the versions I’ve seen (and read) have been abridged? But these bits I can’t remember are fun! I mean, that shouldn’t come as a surprise, and I understand why they’re normally cut, but … that makes me enjoy this even more.

Because it is really enjoyable. Branagh makes a whole bunch of… odd choices… and the stunt casting of famous American actors is pretty distracting… but… Shakespeare shines through. That’s enough.

Hamlet. Kenneth Branagh. 1996. ⚄

So I don’t know much about this movie, but I’m guessing its another one of Tarantino’s “this is how history should have happened” movies (see Inglorious Basterds and Once Upon A Time… In Hollywood)?

So I’m hoping this is just three hours of Jamie Foxx killing Southern white guys and then ending slavery, either singled handed or abetted by Leonardo DiCaprio.

Let’s find out!

Fuck yeah!

This is already the best movie ever.

Christoph Waltz is a hoot.

Buuuut… this isn’t the best movie ever any more. It’s getting bogged down? But I do like that DiCaprio is all evil and stuff.

I’m getting kinda bored? I think it’s DiCaprio’s fault?

Basically, this movie ground to a complete halt when they arrived at DiCaprio’s den. It was zipping along, being funny as shit, exciting as fuck, and then: Bam! Crash! And now nothing worth watching has happened in… an hour? A couple hours? It feels like a long time; I’ve started checking email.

Oh, that’s the meme thing?

Samuel L. Jackson’s character is fun, of course, but the movie is still tedious beyond belief.

I hope there’s a lot of killing happening soon. C’mon Tarantino!

Yay

Quentin? I guess?

The final scene was great. But…

OK: The first hour or so was super entertaining. Then we get to the DiCaprio heist bit, and that is literally in-credibly boring. It’s… it’s…

And then there’s five minutes of fun at the end. So I don’t really know how to throw the die on this one. I mean… the seventy two hours the heist bit lasted definitely isn’t worth seeing, but the start is so much fun?

Uhm…. Let’s go with this:

Django Unchained. Quentin Tarantino. 2012. ⚂