I like that the movie has both a dash and a colon in its name. That’s how you know it’s gonna be good.
Yes, of course I’m watching the Director’s Cut version, which is even longer than the original version.
It’s got er not glowing reviews.
But let’s see!
It looks very 2023. DESATURATE! DESATURATE!
If there are no colours, it makes it easier to match up the real beige footage to the beige CGI backgrounds.
EVILEST PERSON EVER
That’s how you make a villain. I just hope he doesn’t get a tragic back story.
Urrr… Oh, this is chapter one of part one? Oh, he changed the name of Part One: A Child of Fire to Chapter One: Chalice of Blood. Sure, sure.
And, OK, the movie is three and a half hours long, so.
Rebel Moon: The Beigining.
This movie so relentlessly beige — Snyder’s taking things to extremes, as usual. And more lens flares than a JJ Abrams movie.
The beige… the beige…
Allegedly Snyder has said that he wants to create a whole new “franchise” or something with these movies. I.e., something like Star Wars? But Star Wars became A Thing by being a pretty fun adventure movie for children in 1977 — and then grown people obsessed about it way to much for decades and there we are.
It kinda seems like Snyder wants to jump straight to doing one of the boring back-story Star Wars TV series? Because I’m 40 minutes in, and nothing entertaining has happened yet, really.
And it looks like dog shit. (Did I mention that yet?)
I’m hoping Snyder is using this colour palette as a contrast to the real one he’s going to use once we leave er these planets.
(Not holding my breath, though.)
Such beige.
This is possibly the stupidest shit I’ve ever seen.
The robot is pretty spiffy.
Wow! Snyder’s got it! That was the most satisfying action scene ever! It’s like… an anti Vince Vaughn action scene.
But now we get a ton of backstory, and it’s the most boring thing ever. That Snyder drops into slo-mo seemingly at random really doesn’t help.
That’s another satisfying scene of ultra violence! Both scenes were set up very similarly, though: First establish that the bad people are really really bad (both involving sexual abuse), and then having all the bad guys killed while the audience can go WHOA YEAH!
I like it, but is the entire movie going to be just this scene repeated over and over? I’m just 90 minutes in, so the movie has barely started!
Harsh!
Actually, I’m not hating this movie? I don’t mind slow movies at all — I’ve got my “I Watched Out 1: Noli me tangere And I Survived” button, and this is just a … quarter? … of that running length. And that’s an absurd comparison, but still — they’re both slow movies with occasional high intensity interest? Yeah yeah OK.
There’s quite a lot of really silly stuff here, which I appreciate. And I now see what the structure of the movie is, which wasn’t obvious: It’s about that woman going around the galaxy gathering up a scrappy gang of rebels to help fight against the evil, evil empire, to save her adopted agrarian moon.
Heh heh. The totally evil general guy is also a total perv! Into tentacle sex! And drugs! But no rock’n’roll.
So this is fun, but Snyder is really gonna film this entire movie in beige-o-vision?
I was assuming they’d be having a preliminary showdown with the Forces Of Evil in this movie, but perhaps it’s just going to be three and a half hours of gathering the Scooby Gang?
I like the sheer humourlessness of the movie. It’s rare to see somebody dare to be this dour.
But the movie has a problem of scale: Is this insanely eeeevil general the only guy they have to kill, and then everything’s OK? That is, they seem to be fighting an evil galactic empire, but this guy is going around and personally killing nice people… which seems kinda inefficient, evilly speaking?
Yeah yeah, the raze the planets after he’s tired of killing people personally. But still!
Oh, perhaps this movie is gonna end with them killing The Eeevil Guy, and then the next movie is gonna be about conquering The Eeevil Empire? That’d make sense.
[even more time passes]
OK, then.
29% tomatometer? I understand that. But I think that if this had been a four episode TV series instead of a three and a half hour movie, the TV reviewers would have been creaming themselves.
I liked this movie! Yes! It’s fun. But it looks like dog shit, and there’s parts that are really boring. But still. I liked it. So let’s go with:
Rebel Moon Part One. Zack Snyder. 2023. ⚃
