Oh fuuuuck! This is a Netflix movie?

Noooo!

OK, it’s got 105 seconds of co-producers at the start, so perhaps it being Netflixey isn’t going to ruin it totally…

Man, that’s a bad shot. It’s like somebody phoning into the Netflix Movie-Like Creation Department and requesting a Cowboy Walking In A Hallway scene.

Cumberband Whatsisname is really bad at being a cowboy.

I have no idea whether anything here is real — this scene looks like it’s 100% CGI, but why would anybody CGI a scene like this? So I guess it’s probably real, but they’ve just fucked things up so badly that you can’t tell. Filmed in summer in New Zealand when everything is green, but then colour graded to a brown desert? I don’t know, but it looks horrible.

Everything here looks so unreal… is that like a commentary on something?

This is really bad. Really bad! Even for a Netflix movie!

I was a Campion fan back in the Sweetie days, but then she got all Oscar Bait, and I guess this is the baitiest ever:

It was nominated for twelve (!) Oscars… and then won only one. Yoinks! Is that a way for the Oscars people to say “fuck you” to Netflix or something?

Such Montana.

It’s so… it’s so… crass? Is that the word I’m looking for? It’s a movie that wants to hang everything on Benderbatch’s scenery chewing performance, and that just kinda fails.

Such a strange doctor.

This is like a New Era of Quality TV thing, but in movie form. Which makes sense! It’s Netflix.

It doesn’t even make much sense. That… thing… that Cumulusband used to… gain entry… to a whole lake in the middle of the woods? Like… what? A secret huge lake you can only reach via a hutch? What?

Is this pounding symbolic of something!? Are they finally going to have sex!?

But the movie’s gotten a lot more watchable after the first hour, which was pure distilled tedium.

And then it gets both tedious and offensive — of course the gay brother has to die, because this movie was apparently filmed back in the 80s. The nineteen eighties.

Man, this film is such a turd. And it doesn’t even look good.

The Power of the Dog. Jane Campion. 2021. ⚁

This is another collection of shorts. It starts with Open the Door Richard…

Uhm:

A musically themed film cutting back and forth between Stepin Fetchit at home in bed and a jazz band providing the film’s swing music.

Yes, I know that that’s the name of the stereotype, but that’s a weird way to phrase a recap — the character is called Richard?

It’s a nice tune.

This is a very strange short.

When’s Lena gonna sing!? They’re really stringing the audience along…

Finally!

Well, that was way too short.

The good bits in the three shorts are good, but they’re all kinda hokey.

Soundies Cavalcade. Josh Binney, Hans Burger. 1944. ⚂

This is from a DVD box set of public domain B movies. Apparently nobody knows who made this — there’s no entry on imdb and the movie itself doesn’t say who the director is.

But I’m guessing this had to be from the early 30s? But not too early — the audio is scratchy, but actually sounds pretty nice.

Hm… or perhaps it’s way later? The songs could be 40s songs… It’s just weird they’d use the name “soundies” if it’s not early 30s.

It’s a kind of vaudeville thing, but in this movie it’s being presented as happening at a party in a house.

There’s comedy bits, and there’s musical bits.

Wow, this routine is so boring I literally died.

Oh!! This isn’t actually a movie, but just a compilation of shorts!

The first one was kinda bad, but let’s hope this one is better.

This one has more pizzazz.

And is from 1934.

This tune is very good.

That’s an unusual pan.

Man, Ethel Water’s got a beautiful voice. And another pretty good tune.

But so short! That song should have been three times as long.

The jokes are pretty weak.

Oh:

“Soundies” were American films based around a song, dance, or orchestral number. They were at their peak between 1941 and 1947 and presented as 16mm “jukebox” films in nightclubs, taverns and amusement centres.

So the Ethel Waters thing is from 34, but the other two are from 49 and 47.

Very confusing.

I should buy more chicken.

Man, this routine is … well, actually, I’m not sure what it is. The sound is kinda bad on this so I’m only picking out one word in three. It might be hilarious for all I know, but I don’t think so.

The Ethel Waters thing was pretty good, but the other two bits weren’t.

Soundies Festival. Leigh Jason. 1934. ⚁