So I don’t know much about this movie, but I’m guessing its another one of Tarantino’s “this is how history should have happened” movies (see Inglorious Basterds and Once Upon A Time… In Hollywood)?

So I’m hoping this is just three hours of Jamie Foxx killing Southern white guys and then ending slavery, either singled handed or abetted by Leonardo DiCaprio.

Let’s find out!

Fuck yeah!

This is already the best movie ever.

Christoph Waltz is a hoot.

Buuuut… this isn’t the best movie ever any more. It’s getting bogged down? But I do like that DiCaprio is all evil and stuff.

I’m getting kinda bored? I think it’s DiCaprio’s fault?

Basically, this movie ground to a complete halt when they arrived at DiCaprio’s den. It was zipping along, being funny as shit, exciting as fuck, and then: Bam! Crash! And now nothing worth watching has happened in… an hour? A couple hours? It feels like a long time; I’ve started checking email.

Oh, that’s the meme thing?

Samuel L. Jackson’s character is fun, of course, but the movie is still tedious beyond belief.

I hope there’s a lot of killing happening soon. C’mon Tarantino!

Yay

Quentin? I guess?

The final scene was great. But…

OK: The first hour or so was super entertaining. Then we get to the DiCaprio heist bit, and that is literally in-credibly boring. It’s… it’s…

And then there’s five minutes of fun at the end. So I don’t really know how to throw the die on this one. I mean… the seventy two hours the heist bit lasted definitely isn’t worth seeing, but the start is so much fun?

Uhm…. Let’s go with this:

Django Unchained. Quentin Tarantino. 2012. ⚂

I loathe this movie from the first scene! That music box! Those “remembrance” effects! Could this be the worst movie ever?

Oh! I thought Casey Affleck was playing developmentally challenged or something, but he’s playing a 19-year-old. (He was 32 at the time.)

Anyway, the reason I have this is because I bought a box set almost a decade ago, and it’s taken me this long to watch them all.

The Westerns Dynamite DVD Collection. It’s kinda interesting:

The Desperate Trail (1939)
The Three Godfathers (1948)
Treasure of Sierra Madre (1948)
The Searchers (1956)
Rio Bravo (1959)
The Wild Bunch (1969)
How the West was Won (1962)
Chisum (1970)
McCabe and Mrs Miller (1971)
Jeremiah Johnson (1972)
Cahill US Marshall (1973)
Pat Garret and Billy the Kid (1973)
The Outlaw Josey Wales (1976)
Tom Horn (1980)
Pale Rider (1985)
Dances with Wolves (1990)
Unforgiven (1992)
Wyatt Earp (1994)
Last Stand at Saber River (1997)
The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford (2007)

That’s a solid collection of movies, with a variety of approaches… from 1939 to 2007, with an emphasis on the 70s. I think… most of these movies are pretty spiffy? It’s only when we reach the 90s that things get a bit dicey. I think the only actually good movie here after 1985 is Unforgiven?

Which might also be a reflection of how few westerns are made these days.

So much bathing!

I’m bailing on this after 45 minutes, because it’s 1) absurd and 2) boring and 3) not stylish enough and 4) did I mention ugly and boring?

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford. Andrew Dominik. 2007. ⚀

Oh, deer? This is on of those epic epic westerns? It’s over three hours long, and…

… it’s got a gazillion actors.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this. It’s by Lawrence Kasdan, which is a very familiar name, but I’m not quite sure … from where?

Hm! I’ve seen a lot of these. I mean… more than half? Two thirds? But I’m not sure I’m… a fan? I think a lot of these are in the dreaded Oscar Territory?

Well, we’ll see…

This just looks so … fake. I mean, everybody’s got 1994 blow-dried hair…

… and I don’t know what it is about Kostner… I’ve never understood the charm. I mean, he seems like a nice guy, but…

This is super hokey. I may not survive this movie. Everything here is annoying me — the sugary soundtrack, the relentless pathos, the cutesy scenes…

This movie tries so hard! Every scene is The Most Emotional Scene ever. And it’s … I mean, what’s going on here is very emotional, and should touch anybody, but they lean so hard into the sentimentality that the mind reels. And so my eyes remain resolutely dry.

I’m bailing on this after 80 minutes, because it’s tedious as fuck.

Wyatt Earp. Lawrence Kasdan. 1994. ⚁