Oh my god I hate this already.

It’s so Netflix.

Oh god. It’s even got the fairy plinkety things on the soundtrack. You know the ones — the hanging metal thingies that the percussionist kinda makes go twinkle twinkety?

It’s probably got a name.

THOSE SHOULD BE OUTLAWED

After doing some image googles, it’s called a mark tree? Or “bar chimes”.

Such desaturate.

Speaking of cinematography — isn’t it ironic that Netflix has no problem showing movies in 2.35:1 aspect ratio, while real, actual movies (filmed in similar formats) are chopped down to 16:9?

Oh! These people are supposed to be like 17? Now the movie makes more sense.

This is dire.

I totally see what they’re going for. I mean, a dorky version of Cyrano sounds like it would be really fun. But instead it’s just there. There’s nothing here. It’s like Netflix only got the elevator pitch, OK’d it and then they forgot to write the script. Or hire hairdressers.

So they got an AI to generate it, because they were in a hurry.

There’s some scenes here where you think it’s finally going to be fun — but then instead of going to, well anything, the scene just peters out.

Not even a standard dressing up montage scene? WHAT KIND OF MONSTER ARE YOU

Oh god. Now they’re talking about religion. Just when you thought it couldn’t get any more dire.

The Half of It. Alice Wu. 2020. ⚁

This post is part of the Queer Cinema blog series.

Nooo! It’s cropped down to 16:9! From 2.39:1!

Damn you Apple! Damn you to hell!!!1!

Oh, this is one of those movies. I mean, the protagonist is dying.

Huh, this only won the Oscar for best writing… It feels like Oscar bait, but low budget, so perhaps the right amount of Oscars.

OK, I’m enjoying this more now. It’s just really choppy — the scenes don’t seem to connect with each other. It’s one scene after another… but I guess it’s a budget thing. It’s in the uncanny valley between a stage play and a movie.

So it’s not just me!!!

There’s fun scenes here, but the big dramatic ones are risible.

Gods and Monsters. Bill Condon. 1998. ⚂

Hey! It’s one of the Skarsgårds. Er… it’s the one from that vampire TV series? Er… True Blood.

Wow, this is weapons grade silliness.

Well, that’s another familiar face — I saw Hard Candy the other week.

I like the performances here, and it’s got the right look. But the story is a bit *rolls eyes*. So it’s about… an environmentalist Manson family thing? Perhaps it’ll get better.

Process note: I’m watching all the movies Queery are recommending, but I’ve skipped more than a couple. Because I’m not watching the documentaries (and there’s a surprising amount of them) because I hate documentaries sooo muuuuch, and I’m also skipping movies that I’ve seen before recentlyish. Like Ben Hur. So I’m already halfway through their list! After just a couple of months.

OK, carry on.

Oh such moral quandary!!! It turns out that the it’s not just Manson and his cohort that’s bad!

This movie is growing on me. The mood’s good. It’s got a moody mood.

It’s just… that whenever something’s happening, it’s kinda annoying? The scenes where nothing happens work, but the action scenes just aren’t very watchable. It’s like SO MUCH DRAMA with shakycam and shouting and arguing, and it just doesn’t work.

Man, the third act is so bad.

The East. Zal Batmanglij. 2013. ⚂